I am not defined by my wonky smile
I think smiling is important. It brightens people’s days. But being able to smile is something that everyone takes for granted. I know I did. Because one day I woke up and I couldn’t. It wasn’t that I couldn’t just smile, I couldn’t move half my face.
Dramatic right?
Well not really for me. I kind of didn’t really notice until about half way throughout the day. Oops? You’re probably thinking: what do you mean by ‘oops’! How could you not notice that your face was paralysed!
And you know what, I completely agree with you. I have no idea.
So anyway. Storytime.
I’ll set the scene. It was the 10th of October and I had woken up early for Uni. Everything seemed normal. But looking back it wasn’t, there were little hints that I really should have noticed: like my eye not closing properly when I was doing my makeup, not being able to spit when I was brushing my teeth and not being able to eat my cereal without it all going in my mouth. But at the time I was like, ‘I’m probably just over-tired (but when am I not)’.
So, I carried on with my day. Went into Uni, did some work in the library and had lunch with my flatmate; telling her about all the weird things that had happened to me. I had just started eating my lunch and it was still happening. Something wasn’t feeling right. I asked her if I looked strange and she said “you look a bit wonky, like half your face isn’t moving.”
That was when I got a weird feeling in my stomach and I knew that something was wrong. So, I did what every teenager does when something isn’t right. I text my mum. I even remember the text:
‘Um weird question. I can’t really move half of my face. Do you think there’s something wrong? xx’
I didn’t think she’d get back to me so fast but about halfway through my walk back to my flat I had a phone call, which turned into a facetime. I had my mum, a nurse and a couple of health care support workers staring at me from my phone screen (this is a good time to mention that my mum is a stroke rehabilitation assistant) making me feel like a lab rat. The next thing I knew I was heading back to my flat and my mum was on her way to pick me up and take me to the hospital.
So, I had a good hour to think. Mainly: “Sh*t. I’m having a stroke. No, I’m sure I’m fine. But um, I could be having one. Don’t be stupid, you’re not having a stroke!”
When I got back to my flat I told my other flatmate what was going on, and I think she was stressing more about the whole situation than I was. To be honest even though I was having this internal monologue inside my head, I was pretty calm. No really, I was. At this point in my life I was just rolling with the punches, because if I was having a stroke that would just be the cherry on top of the list of crappy things that had been going on my life for the past few years.
Ok, cliff notes version (just to let you know some of these events did happen after my face, but I just wanted to illustrate how bad these last few years have been for me and my family and why this probably happened).
Both my Grampa Mike and Nanny Pat were diagnosed with bowel cancer within a few months of each other. Had multiple surgeries and strong rounds of chemo each and were basically given the all clear. But then their cancer came back and they both died within a year of each other. My mum found a lump on her breast, but was thankfully told it was benign, and had it removed. My dad passed out and broke his ankle which required surgery; meaning that everyone in house had to put all hands-on deck and take on the responsibilities that he wasn’t able to do (which made me appreciate so much more all the work that my mum and dad put into keeping everything in our lives running smoothly).
Thinking about it now, I didn’t want anything to be wrong because I didn’t want to worry anyone and add to the pile. I know that my family would drop everything to come and help me but at the time I just wanted to give them a break from all the stress.
So. Um. Yeah. Sad section over.
Back to the story. So, I was heading to the hospital with my mum and dad (who had both left work). They had a look at my face and said that it probably wasn’t a stoke and they thought it was most likely Bell’s palsy; which after a four hour wait in minor injuries was diagnosed by the doctor.
Bell’s Palsy is a condition that effects the seventh cranial nerve (simple terms the facial nerve). It is a type of paralysis that causes one side of the face (rarely both) to droop and/or completely stop moving. There is no real cause behind it, but it can be brought on by viral infections, stress and fatigue (which I’d clearly been dealing with at the time). The condition can also affect your ability to taste and can cause pain around the ears (which I had all of).
So, after a quick examination (blood pressure, heart rate etc) I was sent home and told to take five little steroid pills twice a day for ten days, which was really fun considering I couldn’t drink properly to swallow them.
Not being able to move your face causes a lot of other problems; I spoke with a lisp for a while, I couldn’t eat or drink properly, and when I did I couldn’t taste anything at all. I couldn’t close my eye so I had a lot of irritation and sight problems, and because I couldn’t close my eye I found it really hard to sleep which made me even more tired and irritable than I already am, and overall it just took a huge emotional toll on myself. I was so self-conscious of my appearance, the fact that I looked and sounded so weird and I had this huge worry about people noticing my face and just seeing me differently and just staring.
I just remember the Sunday before I was meant to go back to Uni I just broke down in the middle of my kitchen because I was so exhausted and just didn’t want people to see me but I was so determined to carry on like nothing was wrong. My mum and dad were thankfully there and told me that it was ok if I didn’t feel like going in and not to stress about missing a few days, saying that me and my health was more important than a lecture.
So, after a few days of just kind of coming to terms with what had happened my life went back to normal (well as normal as it could be). I went back to Uni, went back to work and tried my best to move past it. Every so often I caught someone doing a double take at my face and I had the basic spiel prepared: ‘yeah I know half my face isn’t moving. No, I’m not having a stroke. I have Bell’s Palsy. No, it’s not permanent. I’ll be back to normal in a few weeks.’ Something like that. I did get a bit tedious after a while but once I told someone about the situation they just kind of carried on like normal. Which I was glad for.
Gradually it just began to get better. I could start slowly moving the different parts of my face, I could start tasting things again and I was beginning to be able to close my eye again; and after about a month and a half everything was mostly back to normal.
Looking back now, I don’t know why I was so worried because everyone around me was so supportive and just made me feel normal (well as ‘normal’ as I was before). I can see the positive aspects that the experience gave me as well: I stopped wearing makeup for a while which overall just made me feel more confident and showed me that appearances aren’t the most important thing, it put things into perspective for me and how I needed to stop stressing about every little thing and just keep looking forward.
Every now and then I worry that it will happen again, so when I look in the mirror I always do a quick once over of my face to make sure everything is still moving. The main way I can tell is my smile. To everyone else it probably looks fine but to me I know it’s not the same; and that’s ok. It reminds me of the obstacle that I had to overcome to get where I am today; and plus, when I see my smile it makes me feel better about myself.