Hey, I'm Rhodri. And I'm gay.
Now thats not a big deal to me (anymore). But to alot of people it is and its a scary world to come out to. So for those of you who care, I would like to share my story with you.
Growing up I always knew I wasn't straight. Not that little 5 year old Rhodri had any idea what straight even was. I just knew that I'd never want to take part in the football games or games of british bulldogs on the school yard. I was more interested in running around playing "Grand Theft Auto" pretending to shoot the police (the teachers) and the bad guys (the bullies). Or I was happy just to sit and watch the other boys play football. To me that was fine, normal even.
But as I grew up and got to around 11/12 when puberty hits I noticed myself looking at how the boys were changing rather than how the girls were. And in the changing room for PE when all the boys would talk about the girls of our year group and have a laugh while getting changed, I'd be stood in the corner not making eye contact and changing as quickly as possible to get out of there asap.
Now, everyones coming out story is different. This is just mine and trust me, it sounds alot worse than it was. Looking back, I got way too in my head about being gay and how it was wrong. I distinctly remember one music lesson in 2012, the assignment was to study a new music video. All the boys chose rappers and "cool" music, I chose Starships by Nicky Minaj. All I had for the rest of that day was "Rhodri's gay". That was one of the first times I was ever called gay. But its stuck with me ever since.
So heres the main part of the story, this was a really dark time in my life but it does get better. However, I will say this portion has a suicide attempt trigger warning, please don't read if it could affect you.
Fast forward 2 and a half years to 16th December 2014. I was at home alone, playing on my computer like a normal teenager. However, I started talking to someone that day who was a boy. The first time I'd considered even messaging a guy that way. (I will say that it was probably a catfish but I was young). Anyway we spoke for a few hours which led to days then to weeks. I told a few of my closest friends about the guy and about my sexuality. However, I told them I was bisexual. So on December 27th I posted a coming out speech on Facebook. The post read something like "I have to be honest with myself and everyone else- I'm Bisexual" the post was a long paragraph and I had 99% support in the comments. But there was one comment that stuck with me, I wont mention the persons name, but they said something like "You're a f***ing gay c**t, you should die". Now this person only knew me for 2 years while I was at Porth County Community School, before I moved back to Llanelli in September 2012. Anyway- as it was the Christmas holiday and I was off school. I didnt think much of it as I hadn't seen anyone from school other than my close friendship group. I'd had a few messages from people I knew from Coedcae school in Llanelli, but weren't close to, giving me nothing but support and acceptance however this comment from a single person made me doubt alot and sent my mind into overdrive.
So January hits, and its 2 days before I'm due back in school and the nerves hit me like a tonne of bricks. I felt feelings that I never thought possible. I felt sick and I got so low that I decided that I would rather kill myself than go back into school. So that night after my mother left for work (she worked 6pm-6am) at the time, I went up to my room and stared at the objects infront of me. These were a knife, some pills and a rope. I didn't know what I was doing, I just knew I needed to get out of going into school and be faced with persecution and hatred. Being bullied all my life was one thing, but now they had even more dirt to dish at me. So I sat and stared at them for about 10 minutes which felt like months. I got my phone and texted a few close friends to let them know I was grateful for them being there and how happy I was to call them my friends. But then as I felt the tears running down my face as I picked up the rope. My phone started vibrating and it didn't stop. I had 2 of the friends texting me loads- obviously they must have realised or something, I dont know. But next thing I knew they were at my house, they had even contacted my mother to tell her and she came home from work. Me and the two friends (who I am no longer friends with, but will always be grateful to them for what they did for me that night) went for a walk and had a conversation. But also when I was silent, so were they. I don't know whether that was because they didn't know what to say, or if it was because they realised that I just needed some peace.
After this, I went to school that day with my mother. We spoke to a deputy head who is one of the most lovely women you could meet and she arranged counselling for me in the school. There was alot more too it but thats the gist of what happened when I originally came out.
Between then and coming out as Gay on March 1st 2016 alot happened. I got into a relationship with a girl who was in my friendship group- who would later become one of my best and most important friends, I got into college, I got a job and I made so many new friends. I realise now that what I was going to would have been a stupid move but being in that frame of mind it's hard to get out of it.
Now, my coming out gay post on Facebook was literally a sentence which read "I've been thinking about this for a while and I'm gay so yeah". Not the best status I know but I got to the point where I just wanted it out and done with.
So at this present moment in time, I still have my job, I still have my friends (except the ones mentioned before), I have my family, my health and I have a good life. Coming out will always be one of the hardest things I ever did (so hard I did it twice), but now that it's out and I'm out, I've never been so happy and free. Sure, I still get people who judge, I get hit, kicked, punched, gripped and beat on nights out just because I kissed a guy. But that's not on me. That's on the homophobes. And I'm proud and happy and most importantly, I'm me