If you are currently a student or have ever thought about applying to university, I am sure that you will be no stranger to the university prospectus. Grab one and take a look inside. Notice the photos of happy, smiling students. Read the quotes that attest to the overwhelming positive aspects of student life. All of these things combine to paint an idealised picture of university, as though it is some kind of beautiful utopian fantasy where dreams are realised, minds are inspired, and everyone gets along like the characters in a children’s fairy-tale. This is what I expected my experience to be like when I embarked on my university journey.
Two years on, I now realise how naive I was. For me at least, university life is much more like a hurriedly scribbled canvas, filled with imperfections, dark patches and a sprinkling of chaos. I’m still working out what that canvas looks like, but what’s clear is that the beautiful image that was sold to me is no longer in sight.
Before we go any further, let’s stop and think about the concept of university for a minute. With the number of people heading to university growing year on year, it might feel like a normal step in the average person’s life.
Before you settle on that thought though, think about it a little more. When you boil it down to the bare bones, what actually happens is that a member of staff sat at a desk decides to admit a completely random group of people who have never before had the opportunity to meet. They then proceed to match those people up with one another through a questionnaire like some strange blind dating activity, before sticking them in a flat together for a year in a bizarre social experiment akin to Channel 4’s Married at First Sight. While it might sound like what I have just described is the next big reality TV programme, the only reality I am attempting to present is that of the transition to university life.
What was the point of me telling you that? In a roundabout way, what I am trying to point out is that being launched headfirst into student life is bizarre in every conceivable way. When I moved to university for the first time, just about every stable part of my life was thrown up in the air and turned on its head. The idealised picture that I expected to find began to quickly unravel. The mess and chaos of the canvas became my reality.
I want to share with you a few of the scribbles that have emerged in my university journey so far. Maybe you’ll be able to relate to some of them, or maybe you won’t recognise them at all. Regardless of what challenges you have faced, the point that I am trying to make is this: life as a university student is messy. At some point, you are going to feel a bit confused. You will probably doubt yourself on a regular basis, and you might even wonder why you bothered in the first place. When you do, take a little comfort in knowing that you are not the only person to have felt this way.
When I moved to university, it felt as though I was living in two separate spaces at the exact same time. First, I had to try to keep up my relationships with my family and my friends from home, which had been destabilised by the end of our school careers. At times, it felt as though we were drifting apart. To be honest, that was pretty scary. My friends from home were all that I had ever known, but suddenly they were so far away. I went from chatting, laughing and crying with these people every single day to not seeing them for months at a time. That felt pretty strange, and I wasn’t really sure how to react. The truth is, I think that I am still figuring it out now. There are times when I still fail to strike a healthy balance between my life at home and my life at university. It is a constant struggle for me.
On top of trying to come to terms with the changing face of my social circle in my first week, I remember being told to swap an essay that I had written with one of my peers. Reading my partner’s work filled me with a deep sense of dread. They clearly knew how to reference their work, but I didn’t have a clue. They used terms that I didn’t even know existed, and referred to academic concepts that I’d never before explored. With every word that I read, the voices in my head got louder and louder. You’re not good enough. You don’t deserve to be here. You’re going to fail.
Imposter syndrome was real, and it hit me hard. My academic life was tainted with a competitive edge. I pushed myself to do better, but whatever I did was never good enough. The continued quest to be better, in order to live up to the idealised student image, was exhausting. The voices continued, and to be frank I am still haunted by some of those very same thoughts today. There are still times when I feel like my best just is not good enough. I sometimes lack the motivation to complete my work in time, and I get frustrated when I find myself starting yet another essay at 2am.
I am definitely not the perfect student, and I am not sure that I ever will be.
What should be clear to you by now is that the canvas which represents my student life is messy, chaotic and incomplete. I have tried to be brutally honest in sketching out parts of my canvas, in the hope that it will encourage someone else out there to do the same. If you are going to take anything away from this article, let it be these next few words: own the messiness of your student life. Talk to your friends about how you feel. Do not be thrown by the idealised picture of university that we are sold. Life is rarely straight forward, and curveballs will turn up in your path. This does not mean that you are doing something wrong, or that you are failing as a student.
The problem is not you. It is the way we are told to expect student life to be.
Student life is messy, but that’s okay.
-Harry Twohig
Harry Twohig
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