I am not defined by my anxiety
Feeling anxious or worried is something we’ve all suffered with, right? It’s a common feeling, when you look in the mirror and think you’ve gained some weight, or when you write an essay and don’t think it will be good enough, despite knowing that you’ve been getting good grades all year. But what about when you have that feeling in every aspect of your life, all the time?
Some people would definitely call me an extrovert, and from the outside, it seems like a pretty obvious assumption. I come across confidently to new people I meet, I can have conversations for hours, and I love a good get together with friends just as much as the next person. But that’s not the whole story. Those who know me better will know that the extrovert side of me is only half of the story, because I’m definitely also an introvert too. When I come across confidently to new people, inside I’m absolutely terrified. I can have conversations for hours, but afterwards I’m mentally exhausted and need to go and spend the rest of the day by myself. And despite how much I love my friends, I have the tendency to zone out after a while, resulting in people asking, “are you okay?” a lot.
This is a lot to do with my anxiety. I spend so much of my time being anxious that people won’t like me, or they don’t like me, or they don’t actually want to be talking to me, or maybe I’ve said something wrong and now I’ve insulted them? Uh oh. It’s a constant stream of thoughts telling me that I’m not good enough, that I’ve done something wrong, or that I’m going to do something wrong. It’s these thoughts that exhaust me, and even when I spend time alone, I’m rerunning conversations in my head, or reading through messages three times to make sure it comes across the same as it does in my mind.
So you might think that if this is what’s happening in my head on a daily basis, then something big like moving to a different country would be quite hard work, and you’d be right! In September I packed up my stuff and moved to France for my university third year abroad. It’s something I’d been looking forward to for (literally) 5 years, so I was excited! But the excitement also came with 5 times more anxiety and dread which, long story short, culminated in me almost having a panic attack whilst walking around Paris a couple of hours after getting off my flight. I’ve moved my whole life hundreds of miles away from everyone I know to a country where I realistically don’t really speak the language, and I’ve started a new job doing something I’ve never done before. The first couple of weeks were a huge struggle – I felt low constantly and my anxiety levels were through the roof all the time. Everything was brand new and nothing felt at all familiar. I doubted myself every time I opened my mouth or did anything.
But despite all that, and with a bit of time, my new bedroom has become my new safe haven, and I could walk to my local boulangerie with my eyes shut (the most important part of settling into life in France of course!). Most importantly, I’ve made some good new friends. Slowly but surely, unfamiliar things have become familiar and I risked embarrassment many times for the sake of the learning opportunities it brings.
This life still makes me anxious (and sometimes new things still terrify me!) but two months later, I’m already not the same person I was in Paris that day. Sometimes it’s worth putting yourself out there for the sake of the experiences it will bring.
If I can move to a new country, you can do anything. I am not defined by my anxiety and nor are you.